Life of a Sorting Hat
by Thalia Black Castellan
Summary: Every known character to attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry being sorted.
1. Albus Dumbledore

"Dumbledore, Albus," called Professor McGonagall. A tall boy with auburn hair and twinkling blue eyes walked confidently to the old hat that sat on a three-legged stool. McGonagall put the hat on his head and his vision went black.

_**Ah, another Dumbledore. How interesting. Where should I sort you?**_

_Well, my mum is a Muggle-born Ravenclaw. My father was a Slytherin. _

_**Yes, I know. I sorted her there. You're quite cunning and ambitious.**_

_Am I a Slytherin?_

_**No. You're not right for it. You would fit in perfectly in Ravenclaw, Albus. You're rather intelligent.**_

_Thank you, Hat. I'd love to go to Ravenclaw! Ooh, Ooh, and Gryffindor sounds good, too! Can I go to Gryffindor, Mr Hat? Can I?_

_**Calm down, boy! I see a lot of courage in you. Ravenclaw or Gryffindor?**_

_Hard choice! Is it true that you were made by Godric Gryffindor?_

_**What does that have to do with anything?**_

_Were you? How come you weren't made by Rowena Ravenclaw? She was the smart one!_

_**Stop interrogating me and choose, already! Or I will sort you into Hufflepuff!**_

_What's wrong with Hufflepuff? They're-_

_**GRYFFINDOR!**_

The hat shouted its answer before Albus Dumbledore could possibly think of anything else to say. The Great Hall cheered loudly. Albus ran to the Gryffindor table, relieved at the acceptance they were showing.


	2. Andromeda Tonks neé Black

"Black, Andromeda!" Andromeda marched to the stool with her head high, just the way her parents taught her.

_**Another Black? Absolutely lovely. I sorted your sister two years ago.**_

_I know. I'm not like her. I don't mind Muggle-born people._

_**I see. How do you feel about your family?**_

_What are you, a mind healer? _

_**You Blacks are so irritating! Why can't you just accept things? In order to sort you I need to know what you're like.**_

_Well, Sirius is my favourite cousin, but Bellatrix is so mean to him! The poor boy, he's only six! Once, she fired this really bad hex at him! Oh, she's absolutely terrible. _

_**So, what house do you want to be in? Imagine, a Black in Hufflepuff. That would make the front page!**_

_I wouldn't mind Hufflepuff. They're really nice. Besides, the colour yellow matches their hair. I can't be in Gryffindor, though. I'm not really brave._

_**I know that. Gryffindor is not an option. You're very ambitious, Andromeda. Ravenclaw or Slytherin?**_

_Ravenclaw, I don't want to be with Bellatrix._

_**Too late for that, now! **_

_**SLYTHERIN!**_

Nobody was surprised. There wasn't a Black to be sorted in any house but Slytherin. Nevertheless, the Snakes applauded politely while Andromeda walked to her table. _Stupid hat, _she thought._ It said I could choose!_


	3. Marlene McKinnon

"McKinnon, Marlene." A fairly tall girl with long brown hair and blue eyes walked nervously to the stool. McGonagall placed the hat on her head.

_Hello, Mr Hat_

_**Hello?**_

_**Hm... Marlene McKinnon, I sorted your father years ago. He was a true Gryffindor, that man.**_

_I know. Where are you going to sort me, Hat?_

_**Let's see... You're not smart enough for Ravenclaw.**_

_I am smart!_

_**If you were smart, you wouldn't have drunk that potion your cousin gave you that time...**_

_I was six! _

_**Six or not, you still turned green.**_

_Can you see my thoughts?_

_**No, I magically sensed that you were given a certain potion five years ago.**_

_Really? You can do that?_

_**I was being sarcastic! See? This is what I meant about you not being smart enough for Ravenclaw! **_

_Oh, shut up!_

_**Anyway, you wouldn't be too bad for Hufflepuff, I suppose. You're very loyal, Marlene McKinnon. You're not a coward, either. Hmm, Gryffindor or Hufflepuff?**_

_I don't know! My dad was a Gryffindor, but my uncle was a Hufflepuff!_

_**Well, you have three seconds to decide. **_

_**Just kidding!**_

_**GRYFFINDOR!**_


	4. Alastor 'Mad-Eye' Moody

"Moody, Alastor!" A tall boy with broad shoulders walked confidently up to the three-legged stool, brushing his dark brown hair out of his black eyes as he did so.

_**Alastor Moody...**_

_What?_

_**You're certainly pleasant. **_

_Yeah, well, I came to be sorted, not to make small talk._

_**Fine! Let's see... Bravery, cunning, intelligence, loyalty... You've got everything!**_

_Thank you. Do I get to choose what house I'll be in?_

_**No! As you said, it's my job to sort you. So be quiet! You're a good strategist and you'd never do something without a plan. So Gryffindor is out.**_

_Good! I didn't want to be a bumbling buffoon, anyway!_

_**Watch it! I was made by Godric Gryffindor! You know what, you're too mean for Ravenclaw! **_

_I am not mean!_

_**Yes you are!**_

_No I'm not!_

_**Yes you are!**_

_No I'm not!_

_**Yes you are!**_

_No I'm not!_

_**Enough! Ravenclaw or Slytherin?**_

_**On second thought, I don't like you! You don't get to choose!**_

_**SLYTHERIN!**_


	5. Colin Creevey

"Creevey, Colin!" Colin couldn't contain his excitement. He ran to the stool, grabbed the hat from Professor McGonagall and jammed it on his head.

_**You're rather impatient, aren't you?**_

_You talk?! Talking hats really exist? This is amazing! I wonder which house I'll be in. I hope I'm in Gryffindor like Harry Potter! Isn't he brilliant? Just don't put me in Slytherin; they're evil!_

_**Yes, I talk. And no, you're definitely not a Slytherin. And they aren't evil. You'd fit in well in Hufflepuff, though.**_

_Really? They look really nice! I want to be in Gryffindor, though! Am I good for Ravenclaw?_

_**No, you're not smart enough.**_

_Hey! Take that back, Hat!_

_**It isn't my fault! You just aren't intelligent! **_

_I like juice!_

_**That's nice, dear.**_

_I know, isn't it? Do you think Harry Potter likes juice, too?_

_**I'm a Sorting Hat, not a House Elf! How do you expect me to know what Harry Potter likes to drink?**_

_Do you like juice?_

_**I'm a hat, Creevey. I can't drink anything.**_

_Can you taste it if someone spills it on you?_

_**Tell me, Mr Creevey, if I poured juice over your head, would you be able to taste it? **_

_..._

_**Exactly! So where should I put you?**_

_Gryffindor! Or I'll feed you to the Squid! You know, someone fell in it while we were getting here! _

_**Hmm... You're rather brave, talking to me like that. I've made my choice. And remember, don't stalk Harry Potter!**_

_I'd never do that!_

_**GRYFFINDOR!**_


	6. Xenophilius Lovegood

"Lovegood, Xenophilus," A tall, blonde boy skipped happily to the stool, humming to himself. The Great Hall stared in complete and utter horrror. Why was he _skipping? _And more importantly, why was he wearing a hat made of bottle caps and radishes?

_Hello, Hat, the weather's lovely today, isn't it?_

_**Eh, yes... It's marvelous. So where should I sort you?**_

_Oh, I don't know. Say, what do you think about them Crumple-Horned Snorkacks? _

_**They're... lovely? Look, boy, we don't have time to discuss imaginary creatures. I need to sort you.**_

_Oh, sir, they aren't imaginary. I think the Nargles have got to you.'_

_**I don't know what a Nargle is and to be honest, I don't think I want to know. So far, you've been no help whatsoever. I should just ship you off to St. Mungo's!**_

_No! Please, sir, don't! I beg you! There are so many Heliopaths there! They'll kill me!_

_**What's a Heliopath? Is it like a psychopath? Because I think I know a Heliopath...**_

_Oh, no, good sir! Heliopaths are marvelous creatures! _

_**I'm sure they are... Now, are you going to tell me where you want to go?**_

_I have a cat named Potsy._

_**Stop it! I can't stand this! You're driving me insane!**_

_You should tell the Blibbering Humdingers. They'll help._

_**I DON'T CARE! GO WHEREVER YOU WANT!**_

_**GRYFFINDOR! SLYTHERIN! RAVENCLAW! HUFFLEPUFF! **_

_**I. DON'T. CARE. JUST LEAVE! PLEASE, GO!**_


End file.
